How to find middle ground when your partner wants kids — and you don’t
To get on the same page about whether or not to start a family, psychotherapist Merle Bombardieri says to aim for 80% certainty — and do your best to compromise. But take note: “people never have a child to please their partner,” she says.
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So your partner wants to have a baby. You want to be child-free. How do you get on the same page about whether or not to start a family?
Life Kit
On the fence about parenthood? Listen to this
Over the past 50 years, Merle Bombardieri, a psychotherapist and author of The Baby Decision, has been helping couples with this exact conundrum. She says this is one of the most common questions she gets.
For many couples, there is a middle ground, so long as you’re able to stay open to different possibilities, Bombardieri says.
“A lot of times, people can actually find a solution that will work for both of them,” she says.
Bombardieri shares advice and exercises to help couples navigate the divide and find compromise — while minimizing regret in the process.
Aim for 80% certainty
Bombardieri says couples will often seek her help because they want to feel 100% certain about their decision. But for the vast majority of people, that’s just not realistic.
“Most people are never going to feel totally sure because they’re aware of what they’re going to miss from the other side,” Bombardieri says. So being 80% sure is “as solid as it gets.”
If you feel some ambivalence about being a parent or being child-free, that’s OK. It’s a common emotion when both paths carry risks and rewards, Bombardieri says.
Remember that either decision might lead to some regret, she says. So don’t ask if you will regret your decision. Ask, which decision you will regret least?
“When people think they have to make the perfect choice, they paint themselves into a corner,” Bombardieri says.
(For more help making hard decisions, read our interview with decision coach Nell Wulfhart.)
Sit with your own feelings first — literally
Bombardieri advises those on the fence about parenthood to try an exercise called the “chair dialogue.” It can deepen both parties’ understanding of what it means to have a baby or be child-free.
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One way to help couples get closer to certainty is a solo exercise called the “chair dialogue.” Bombardieri says it can often lead to surprising self-discovery, and help couples gain a deeper understanding of each other’s true motivations.
Here’s how it works:
First, block out some time alone in a quiet space. Grab two chairs and face them toward each other. One chair will be the “parenthood” chair and the other will be the “child-free” chair.
Then, sit in each chair one at a time and make your best argument as to why you should be a parent or child-free. “Physically have a conversation with yourself,” she says.
For example, in the parent chair, you might say, “Of course I’m going to have a baby, I’ve wanted this my whole life.”
In the child-free chair, you might say, “I’m absolutely terrified of pregnancy.”
Pay attention to your body language, Bombardieri says. Maybe in one chair, “you feel more alert, animated.” Or you might find that one side is angry, and the other pleading.
Once you and your partner have each done this exercise, come back together and discuss what came up. Hopefully, you’ll be able to speak with more clarity about your personal leanings.
Rate your decision on a scale from 0-10
Get a sense of how strongly you each feel about your decision. On a scale of 0-10, where do you each fall?
“If you absolutely know that you would never have a child, you would be the zero. This is no criticism of child-free. It’s because you want zero children,” Bombardieri says.
“Ten is, ‘I was put on the Earth to have a child, and I will have to divorce my partner if they say no,'” she adds.
Take note as you go through this process: “If someone is certain that they want to be child-free, they should never have a child to please their partner,” she says. “Whether it’s going to be a divorce or an unhappy family, that just does not work out.”
Get creative with compromise
If you have a partner who’s falling on the opposite side of the spectrum, don’t panic. The baby decision might not be as black-and-white, all-or-nothing as you think it is, says Bombardieri.
Try to find a compromise by doing some brainstorming and problem-solving. What could you each do to make your choice more attractive to your partner?
Bombardieri shares three scenarios and how she would address them:
- Your partner wants three kids, you want none. Could you consider having one child? It’s”an excellent solution for many couples and also single people who want the pleasure of a child but don’t want to be overwhelmed,” says Bombardieri.
- Your partner is leaning child-free because they want to see the world. “Name some countries you want to go to,” says Bombardieri. Then, make a list and set a timeline. Could you travel to those places, and then start a family in a few years? Could you plan to set aside a long weekend every year for solo travel?
- You’re sure you don’t want to be a parent, but your wife is great with kids and worries she would be missing out. If your wife is willing to sacrifice her desire to start a family, help her find other ways to nurture her love of children, Bombardieri says.Maybe that’s committing to dedicated time with nieces and nephews or joining youth mentorship programs.
Not every situation will have a happy middle medium — and that’s OK, says Bombardieri. Sometimes the best decision will be to part ways. “Some people do break up — and that can be the answer.”
No matter what you decide, what’s crucial to success in this process is that both parties feel their needs have been heard and accounted for, Bombardieri says.
If you do end up agreeing to your partner’s choice, “you need to know that they have bent over backward to figure out a way that it could work” to avoid future resentment, she says.
The story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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